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Ali Middleton Photo
I had a conversation with a seasoned mom today about how having three kids has tested my patience more than anything. I told her that I never had temper or anger issues . . . until I had kids. I told her how frustrating it is to try to keep my cool all day—to stay positive and react calmly to all of the interruptions, demands, fights, and temper tantrums day in and day out. I told her how I am trying to stop, breathe, and think when my kids do something that upsets me or stresses me out instead of reacting like Miss Trunchbull.
But I fail. Even on my best of days, when I’m in a good mood, when I’ve gotten adequate sleep (that one makes or breaks me), and even when I have the best intentions in the world, I still consistently have moments of weakness. Moments when my reactions are far from what I want them to be. And those moments of failure make me feel like I’m in a vicious cycle of bad momness.
This mom listened patiently, with nods of empathetic understanding, before she told me something that will stay with me for a long time.
She said reaching your goal is never a straight road to success. There are inevitable divots in the road where you mess up. And when you mess up, you think you’re back at square one. That you’ve failed. That you may as well give up, because this is just who you are.
But the truth is, you’re closer to your goal. Closer to becoming who you want to be. You’ve recognized your mistake and you’re trying to improve. You’ve practiced improving, and yes, at times you’ve failed. But that doesn’t cancel out the successes you have had, and the progress you’ve made.
Even Olympic gymnasts fall of the beam. But that doesn’t make their countless hours of practicing and perfecting vanish. They don’t lie on the floor and let someone just roll them off the mat, resigning themselves to defeat. They jump back up on the beam and finish their routine. Then they continue practicing, improving, and progressing.
So when it comes to trying to be better at this mom thing, or better at anything, really, making mistakes is not only OK. Making mistakes is crucial to your progression.
I’ve decided to redefine my goal. Instead of beating myself up with mom guilt with every mistake I make, instead of trying to reach an unrealistic goal of being a mom who doesn’t mess up and occasionally lose it, I’m just going to try to react kindly and calmly more times than I react Trunchbull-style. Even if the score is 10-9, I’m still going to count it as a victory. I want to be a good mom, but not a perfect one. Because, guess what? No matter how many times I compare myself to Betty Homemaker down the street (or on Instagram), perfect moms just don’t exist. And they never will.
I want my kids to see me try and fail. I want them to know that failure will always be a part of life, but that doesn’t mean they should ever stop trying. I want them to know that they can still be good, still be happy, and still love themselves, despite their imperfections.
So can we, mamas.
