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I think we women need to talk more about the imperfect parts of family life.
Not in a constantly-complaining or husband-bashing way, because that’s draining and negative. But in a you’re-not-alone, solution-driven way. So, let’s talk.
Most of the time, my relationship with my husband feels easy and smooth. I credit most of that to Clay, who is as easy-going and and accommodating as husbands come.
But we recently went through a funk where it was painfully clear that our marriage is still adjusting to life with three kids.
I wouldn’t trade our kids for anything. We both love and cherish them ferociously. But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes mourn the loss of when marriage-ing came easier. When we only had each other to focus on. When we had uninterrupted time to talk. To connect. Keeping that connection strong takes a lot more work than it used to. During the day, it’s all logistics and giving the kids what they need. By the end of the day, we’re exhausted. Sometimes, it’s much easier to flip on a show or escape to our books or phones instead of truly connecting and being present with each other.
But lately, that routine started to wear on us.
I started feeling distance between us. And I was losing sleep over it. I started worrying and blaming myself and all those things I do when I let something I feel unsettled about fester in my mind instead of communicating about it.
A few days passed, and I brought it up. I was glad I did, because instantly, that tightness of worry in my chest about us starting loosening. It’s amazing how simply communicating can do that.
We talked about how we don’t just want our marriage to be “fine.” We want it to be amazing. We want it to be fulfilling and exciting and we want to keep that strong connection we started our relationship out with alive. We want to feel it and we want our kids to feel it. We both feel strongly about being affectionate in front of our children and we never want them to doubt how much we love each other. Even if that elicits eye rolls and “get a room” comments as they get older.
But after we detailed our marriage wish list, we still weren’t exactly sure how to proceed. Because we know how hard it can be to keep that happy connection alive amidst all the commotion of parenting.
We talked about the time we almost didn’t go on an overnight anniversary trip this fall because we didn’t want to inconvenience people and had hesitations about leaving our still-nursing baby for the first time. We were so glad we went, and the break from parenting did wonders for helping us reconnect.
That buzz stayed with us for awhile, but before we knew it, we were thrown back into life and the “Us” got mixed in with the kids and everything it requires to keep them alive and happy.
As winter came, it felt like our flame started to hibernate a little bit.
Talking about it was the essential first step for pulling out of our “roommate” funk. Here are a few other things that are helping us:
1. Clay said something that has stuck with me ever since. “We’re only going to be married and in our 30s once.” There is no “we’ll be able to focus on our marriage later.” What, when we’re 60? We want to make our marriage the best and happiest and most fun it can be NOW. When we’re young and healthy. Not when the kids are older or out of the house.
2. Sometimes it’s hard take off my “mom-suit” and just be a wife. It’s hard to set aside my constant thinking, talking, and worrying about my kids. But my husband and my marriage deserve more than that. I’m trying to make time with us about us, not them. Our marriage should always come first. Even before our kids.
3. Date nights. We literally can’t miss a week. If we do, I feel it big time. Maybe I’m more needy than others, but I strongly believe weekly date nights are no less than crucial to a happy, connected marriage. Now if we could just find a standing Friday night babysitter, we can keep our goal.
That’s all I’ve got, people. Please share what you have done to not put your marriage on the back-burner while you raise a little family!
Click below for more of my marriage posts:
We’ve had very similar conversations lately! I love that you would talk about this. We started doing every other week date nights, but honestly I think we could use weekly. And my husband commutes two hours a day on top of working a minimum ten hours. I think that less commuting will make a huge difference for us. And I loved what you said in your insta post about kissing! It’s crazy how easy it is to slip into roommates instead of soul mates.